Are you tired of those sissy bullsh*t “friendship” poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Why would a true friend try to smooth things over while telling you bad news, not really telling you “how it is…”

Well, here is a series of promises that I agree with and that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold f*cking truth, no sugar coating… similar to my personality, if ya haven’t guessed by now.

Whatever, here’s the poem that someone passed off to me, somewhat humorous and true about friends in today’s society, at least it should be!

1. When you are sad — I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.

2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile — I will know you finally got laid, or your team won in football, or you figured out how to wack it.

4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get, suck it up… deal with it and overcome your fear. EVERYONE gets scared, trust me I know. But getting over “being scared” is what makes you strong.

5. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused — I will use little words.

7. When you are sick — Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want to catch whatever you have.8. When you fall — I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath….. I pledge it to the end. “Why?” you may ask?, “Because you are my friend”.

Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you are fucking miserable feeling the true warmth.

And remember….when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me… I’ll tell you to stop your fucking whining, I don’t give shit if you’re feelings are hurt. We got work to do, so get your head in the game or shove it straight up your ass and get out of my way.