Our leaders, however experienced they are… nothing but liars and backstabbing politicians. Every other country is finally able to see through our mighty American blanket and see what a fucked up government we really do have. Here’s an excerpt from the Holland press. Something I know most of us can sadley agree on.

“We in Holland cannot figure out why you in America are even bothering to hold an election?

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, opposed by a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there any contest here?”

The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

The dot over the letter i is called a ‘tittle’.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up & down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

The ’spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Most guys, and some women prefer bigger boobs than smaller. Big titties are the source of envy for many.

Upper & lower case letters are named ‘upper’ & ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print was set in individual letters, the upper case’ letters were stored in the top case and the ‘lower case’ letters were stored on the bottom case.

Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multi- tasking was invented.

Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.

A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

The mask used by Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween’ was a Captain Kirk’s mask painted white.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

Celery has negative calories, takes more calories to eat a stalk of celery than it has in it to begin with & the same with apples!

Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: ‘Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail.

SO, pass this along to your friends and
hopefully they’ll say “What the F*ck”?

So here are a few rules that men must abide. The woman can’t get away with beating their man in the future. Can’t we all just get along? hahahhaha NO way, it will never end. Similar to those camel fuckers in Iraq who will never end their craziness. Listen to these rules:

Sunday sports - It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides - Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 3 Days.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done - Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself!

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings! Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothings wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really!!

Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as CARS, MOTORCYCLES, FISHING, ETC.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know, men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

We all love the Lone Ranger and Tonto, here’s a story that will adjust your thinking on who knows what!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?

The Lone Ranger replies, I see millions of stars.What that tell you? asked Tonto.

 

Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we Will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?

You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.

Thought you might like to read the following on how f*cked up our nation is in mid 2008. We’re getting ready to vote again, but as usual, neither candidate will deliver what we need. Keep this in mind:

A little over seven years ago:

• Consumer confidence stood at a 50 year year high;
• Regular gasoline sold for $1.69 a gallon;
• The unemployment rate was 4.5%.
• We had a balanced federal budget for the first time in 50 years

Since voting in a Republican Congress in 2000 we have seen:

• Consumer confidence plummet;
• The cost of regular gasoline soar to over $3.50 a gallon;
• Unemployment is up to 5% (a 10% increase);
• American households have seen $2.3 trillion in equity value evaporate (stock and mutual fund losses);
• Americans have seen their home equity drop by $1.2 trillion dollars;
• 1% of American homes are in foreclosure. America voted for change in 2006, and we got it!

Remember the president is the captain of the ship. He signs laws into law everyday and this president and the republician congress was handed a balanced budget and a strong ecomony in 2000 and has damanged it beyond belief. Nice job leaders, what the f*ck were you thinking?

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ’special services.’

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top. We’ve all worked with them, some of us still do, unfortunately. For some reason, they just keep hanging around and the brass won’t let them go. That’s America for you, land of the strong, and sucker to the weak and worthless in the workplace!

REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY
BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM

Katelyn and her Captain stood directly behind Raddatz as she queried GI’s walking past. They kept count of the GI’s and you should remember these numbers.

She asked 60 GI’s who they planned to vote for in November. 54 said John McCain, 4 for Obama and 2 for Hillary.

Katelyn called home and told her Mom and Dad to watch ABC news the next night because she was standing directly behind Raddatz and maybe they’d see her on TV. Mom and Dad of course, called and emailed all the kinfolk to watch the newscast and maybe see Katelyn.

Well, of course, we all watched and what we saw wasn’t a glimpse of Katelyn, but got a hell’uva view of skewed news. After a dissertation on McCain’s trip and speech, ABC showed 5 GI’s being asked by Raddatz how they were going to vote in November; 3 for Obama and 2 for Clinton.

No mention of the 54 for McCain.

The bias American media strikes again

[even if retired you have those sometimes] try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

‘Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.’

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he’d grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, Well, Im a Southerner, so Id like one last plate of fried chicken. The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, Now I can die content.

The leader turned and said, And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?

Kick me in the ass, said the Marine. What? asked the leader, Will you mock us in your last hour? No, Im NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass, insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11!

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, Why didn’t you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?

What!?! replied the Marine, and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor….?