To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp Bigwheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside-down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences… But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or Whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember that I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my balls on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die… Pleeeeze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day… He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire… I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop and pee, when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4. (Still don’t understand this)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, ‘As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.’

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.’

The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

The dot over the letter i is called a ‘tittle’.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up & down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

The ’spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Most guys, and some women prefer bigger boobs than smaller. Big titties are the source of envy for many.

Upper & lower case letters are named ‘upper’ & ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print was set in individual letters, the upper case’ letters were stored in the top case and the ‘lower case’ letters were stored on the bottom case.

Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multi- tasking was invented.

Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.

A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

The mask used by Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween’ was a Captain Kirk’s mask painted white.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

Celery has negative calories, takes more calories to eat a stalk of celery than it has in it to begin with & the same with apples!

Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: ‘Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail.

SO, pass this along to your friends and
hopefully they’ll say “What the F*ck”?

Wel now, we all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where:

means a smile and is a frown.

….blah blah blah. Well, here’s something to satisfy all you freaks out there that have some type of sick ass fetish, you sick f*cks! We might say that this page has a lot of nice assicons. Where would one live to see everyone of these on a daily basis?

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_O_) an ass that’s been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

I should be in charge, said the brain, Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.

I should be in charge, said the blood, Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.

I should be in charge, said the stomach, Because I process food and give all of you energy.

I should be in charge, said the legs, because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.

I should be in charge, said the eyes, Because I allow the body to see where it goes.

I should be in charge, said the nasty ass, Because I’m responsible for waste removal.

All the other body parts laughed at the nasty ass and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,

• the stomach was bloated,
• the legs got wobbly,
• the eyes got watery,
• and the blood Was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
The fucking asshole is usually in charge!

Around 3:00 AM., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

Even when totally smashed…3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT.

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why?, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh SHIT!”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, laughed out loud, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion Most of you have seen them before, we’ve all been witness:

Routine…

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking u tensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women…

“Aim towards the Enemy.”
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
-U.S. Marine Corps

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
-Infantry Journal

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
-U.S. Air Force Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
-Gen. MacArthur

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
-Infantry Journal

“You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

“Tracers work both ways.”
-U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”
-Infantry Journal

“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”
-U. S Navy Swabbie

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
-David Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.”
-Infantry Journal

“No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
-Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”
-Anon

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
-Unknown Marine Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
-Your Buddies

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them. Hmmm, brings me back to the old college days for sure

You hear your favorite song in an elevator. Hell no, still waiting for the day that I hear Judas Priest or Iron Maiden in an elevator!

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. ha ha

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. NEVER! I kill for a good batch of wings.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.” Again, laughing.

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. Ain’t that a bitch…

You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. !

]]> http://www.forshizelmynizel.com/the-25-signs-you-are-aging-is-this-you.html/feed 1 http://www.forshizelmynizel.com/can-you-read-this-try-it.html http://www.forshizelmynizel.com/can-you-read-this-try-it.html#comments Mon, 09 Apr 2007 02:42:00 +0000 fctoma http://www.forshizelmynizel.com/?p=30 fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs DIGG IT below!

If you can read this, your brain is 50% faster than those who can’t